Who Are You Franz Heukamp?

Who is Franz Heukamp, and what is the value of this information? Some say German, and others Dutch. Some even say Hollish, buy only Americans who don't know that Holland and the Netherlands are the same country. Is it really true that the last bad decision he made was in January of 1991 and involved neon green spandex shorts? Will he ever stop teasing us before he draws the next branch on those insane trees, pursing his lips with an over the shoulder glance "Shall I put it, Shall I"? Are the rumors of he being raised by a troupe of travelling Romanian Gypsies who forced the young Franz to perform dangerous statistical equations while ridng a half blind she goat named Purcy until eventually being saved by the parents of one Vlad Costache whom Franz would come to think of as a brother and pass down his unparrelled robot like analytical skills? Did the first decision tree he ever drew really involve the expected value of of planting beets in the cold Romanian soil, given a 45% probability of frost and a 55% probability of Vlad's head exploding from beet juice anticipation. Is the answer still 7?
These questions may never be answered, but one thing remains 100% certain: I'm not risk averse to beets. In fact, there's no tuber for which I'm even risk neutral.